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Spoiler:
DEATH BY PONIES!!!!
Everyone loves a nice pony: they’re warm, cuddly, and fun to ride. But little do we know the lethal force and sheer, unbridled malice that lies beneath that soft exterior. Little Bobby Schwartz of Elgin, South Carolina, was taking a nice walk last night when several ponies stepped out from behind the courthouse and trampled poor Bobby to death. The ponies were seen fleeing the scene on Main St. southbound toward Northeast Columbia. “Them’s was aroun’ five foot tall, as I reckon,” says one Silas Dowell, who witnessed the incident. “They was wearin’ gang clothes, sure ‘nuff. Might be part of the O.K. corrall gang, as I reckon.” Dowell went on to describe the scene with many more apostrophes and incorrect grammar, but his explanation was so gratuitous, we shall not relay it here. “It’s just more disgusting hate crimes,” said the mayor of Elgin in an interview earlier this week. “We promise the public to track down the culprits, and prosecute them to the full extent of the law.” Several photos were taken of the renegades, and one of them has been confirmed to be Sugar, the possession of one Jedediah Smith. When asked about the behavior of his ponies, Mr. Smith replied by spitting into the trashcan and giving our reporter a confused look. The ponies were last seen shopping at the dress barn on Two Notch road. If you have any information on Sugar or his accomplices, please call 1-800-CRIMESTOPPERS. Your identity will be protected.
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