Mr. T/Facts

Primarch Vulkan · May 25th, 2009

Mr. T holds two U.S. patents, the latter meant to compensate for the obvious flaws of the former: fools (pronounced foo's) and pity. Scholars freqently note the layers of depth in the philosophy whereby fools are generally pitied by T for the very fate T himself has in store for them.

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, terrified for no easily discernable reason? That was Mr. T, and you have just been pitied.
Hitler found out that Mr.T pitied him and shot himself.
Every time a church bell rings in the world, Mr. T pities a foo'.
Additionally, every time Mr. T pities a foo, a female porn star regains her virginity, then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.
Mr. T once pitied the Sun. An ice age followed.
Mr. T's favourite band is, unsurprisingly, Foo Fighters.
During his short stint as the manager of a beauty salon, T's catchphrase was "I Pretty The Foo'."
Rather than live off food and drink, T absorbs the energies of crushed self-esteem from the fools he has pitied.
As part of an experiment in metaphysics, T once pitied Chuck Norris at the exact moment Norris delivered one of his trademark roundhouse kicks to Mr. T. The result was the 1980's.
John Candy is the only man that Mr. T truly respects and views as an equal.
Mr. T's van runs on pity and gets 30 miles per fool. Thus, it never empties.
Every time Mr. T crosses his arms, the terror alert in the United States raises to gold.
Every time the terror alert reaches gold, the government hires Mr. T
Soviet Russia tried to pity Mr T in 1991, and they collapsed.
Mr. T once went into a bar with Chuck Norris. Consequently, there was no bar.

[edit] Of the A-Team

T's original sole intention in joining the A-Team was to advertise Pepsi™, the drink of his generation.
Due to a crippling doorknob allergy, T's only method of passing through a door is to pity it until it explodes
T has a well-publicized professional rivalry with the Earth's surface, which he has shot several times.

[edit] Various

Uttering Mr. T's name can bring someone out of a coma. Here is the proof!
Mr. T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway, foo'.
As would be expected, he has on overabundance of T cells, and is therefore unlikely to contract AIDS.
Mr. T invented the T-Virus as a way of advertising Snickers.
Mr. T spawned the United States Civil Rights Movement by sitting in the front of a public bus, causing all passengers of every race, including the white driver, to move to the back.
When Mr. T masturbates, a kitten is revived from the dead. He rarely needs to, however.
T always comes before U. Don't forget that, foo. Heh, just joshing — but seriously. He's this close to pitying you.
Mr. T once huffed kittens.
Mr. T knows what the jazz is all about. However, upon hearing the jazz, he tells Bill Cosby to quit his jibba-jabba.
Adolf Hitler never shot himself. Mr. T beat him to death with his gold chains.
Mr. T once took an 11PM train. He refuses to give it back.
Mr. T does, in fact, have a Night Elf Mohawk