Vin Diesel

Primarch Vulkan · May 25th, 2009

Diesel coined the phrase "Pardon my French" 5000 days ago by picking up a Frenchman and using him as a club to beat people with.

After the scientist invented the time-travel machine, Vin Diesel goes back in time to pose for Leonardo Da Vinci in 1508. Tabloids read: "MONALIESEL is complete!" though the actual title of the painting was Manalisa.

Vin Diesel single handedly brought Taco Bell back to glory by suggesting they make soft tacos the way he does, with 100% ground beef, refried beans, and garnished with the eyes and testicles of his enemies.

Contrary to common misconception, Vin actually runs on unleaded.

Vin Diesel can solve the rubix cube in one move.

Vin Diesel was the cause of the following world events:

*The Dawn of Man
*The creation of the microorganism
*The creation of the microscope
*World War 1
*The birth of Morgan Freeman
*The (rapidly approaching) death of Morgan Freeman
*many, many, many, many, many, many, many shitty car movies

Vin Diesel once ate lego blocks and crapped out the first Transformer toy.

Vin Diesel performed intercourse with Mt. St. Helens in 1941. After retracting his burnt genitals, he constructed a steel cast to protect his penis from further damage. We know this cast today as the Eiffel Tower. Contrary to popular belief, Mt. St. Helens actually erupted Vin Diesel's semen, which is red in color and up to 5000 degrees Fahrenheit.

Star Wars is what happens in Vin Diesel's anatomy.

Vin Diesel once made a go-kart that ran on the hopes and dreams of orphans.
- It goes fast...
  - Really fast.

When Vin Diesel told the Microsoft Word paper clip to go away, it never came back.

Vin Diesel can use Hyper Beam without having to wait a turn to recharge afterward.

Vin Diesel is available at most gas stations for approx. AU$1.28/L

Vin Diesel uses midgets as currency, skyscrapers as toothpicks, and wipes his ass with any logs, stones, or babies that are in the area at the time.

Vin Diesel can be used under certain conditions as a table.
- That condition is commonly known as "suicidal"

Vin Diesel is also a popular cocktail made from equal parts French wine and motor oil. It is known for its rich, full bouquet and has an SAE grade of 50. Vin actually means wine in Danish and other Scandinavian languages, so you might say that Vin Diesel's parents did the impossible: They mixed wine and diesel, which is, as many people know, polar and non polar mixed, which should be impossible. But Vin Diesel begs to differ.

"F### you" were the last words he speaks after swimming the entire English Chanel.

A 15 minute guitar battle between Diesel's character and Adolf Hitler (which Diesel easily won) was cut before the final release of Saving Private Ryan.

Vin Diesel invented black, in fact he invented every color of the rainbow except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Vin Diesel doesn't use sunblock, the sun uses Vinblock.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded revolving grenade launcher and won.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel can set the sun on fire by channeling the power of ants through a magnifying glass.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel's morning breath is widely regarded cross-culturally as a weapon of mass destruction.

The mere mention of Vin Diesel's name has been known to bring Ultimate Warrior to tears.

Vin Diesel invented the Tootsie Pop. Consequently, the number of licks to get to the center is equal to his social security number. If this exact number of licks is achieved, you will be granted eternal life. This is why Bob Barker is still alive and on television.

Most people don't know this, but the bible actually ends with Vin Diesel showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi's and kicking some Roman ass. Vin Diesel was all like, "Jesus, I totally saved you." Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, "Now it's my turn to save you." Then Jesus and Vin Diesel run towards the Romans in slow motion. That's how the bible ends. It's a cliff-hanger. I can't wait for the sequel, "The Bible 2: Water...Into Blood".

Vin Diesel nearly made it to the final table of the 1988 World Series of Poker. Which may not sound like much, but was impressive considering he thought they were playing Go Fish.