S.T.A.L.K.E.R. campfire jokes

[ahilej]

Hi,
I just wanted to place here a few jokes from S.T.A.L.K.E.R. games, heard by the campfire, at least the ones which I do understand. If I hear and understand more of them, I will add them overtime. Anyone else who can do this, is welcome for sure!

[ahilej]

Two stalkers are talking at the campfire.
"What kind of a car needs a real stalker?!"
"I do not know. A reliable one?"
"Yes. And with a rear placed engine, and an open trunk at the front."
"So why?"
"So you can always know where your loot is."


A stalker enters the Bar.
"I will have a decent meal today. What is on the meny... "
The barmen breathes deeply.
"Well, bloodsucker tentacles in tomato sauce, flesh eye in tomato sauce, irradiated boar leg in... uhm... tomato sauce, blind dog tail in... tomato sauce..."
"What is this? Is it a domestic cuisine of what?! Give me a boiled plums&chestnuts sauce instead!" (plums and chestnuts are common with meat in Russia)


Two soldiers at the outpost.
"Well, at the boot camp we had a very stupid sergeant. One evening, several of us went to have fun with him...
... comrade sergeant, what is heavier? A kilo of cotton, or a kilo of iron?!
A kilo of iron." Said the sergeant immediately.
We all laughed.
"No, no, comrade sergeant, it is all the same."
"Is it?! Stand right here, and I will knock you in the head with kilo of cotton, and then with a kilo of iron, and you will clearly see the difference"

[Iron_Daemon]

Love the kilo of iron and cotton one!

From this page here The Zone Survival Guide - Translations

An old and a new Dutyer are walking in the zone. Suddenly, the old one stops and wispers to the new one:
- Carefully go to that tree
The new one slowly very slowly walks to that tree. When he reaches it, the old one shouts:
- I knew it! I knew they were fooling me when they said there was is anomaly here!
(laughter)
Cool!
Great!
It's not funny!

An experienced stalker is standing at a crossroads, looking at a sign:
"if you go right, there will be anomalies and a little loot"
"if you go forward, there will be lots of monsters and medium loot"
"if you go left, there will be inns, women, and endless loot"
The stalker thinks a while, and goes forward. While walking he thinks: I think I heard something about this, but should ask at the bar, what crap are "inns and women"?
(laughter)
Wow, you're good!
Anything slightly newer?

That page has heaps of the ingame campfire jokes but you have to scroll down to find em.

[ahilej]

A wonderful picture. Zone at the sunset. The orange and red sun is casting shadows around tall trees and low bushes. Clouds on the sky are soaked with colours. Inbetween all of these, at the large fallen tree near the cave, sits gray and blue swamp bloodsucker.
Out of the cave, laughing and yelling, are comming three little bloodsuckers.
They immediatelly start to tease and pull his father by the tentacles, hitting him with the claws.
Papa, papa, let's show us the two stalkers!
And papa pulls out two skulls from under the large fallen tree, takes them into his hands and speaks in different voices...
The left skull says...
- Hey, Mitya, are you sure that there no bloodsuckers in this cave?

The right skull answers...
- Yes, positive, Kolya, none have been seen here...

[ahilej]

Three stalkers made a bet, who will dare to cast largest number of people outside the 100 Rads bar, by any means necessary.

The fist day, the first stalker entered the 100 Rads bar swinging with an PKM machine gun loaded with a 150 rounds belt of 7.62x54mm, and shouting loud: "everyone out, fast!" Some of the rookies did ran out, but the remaining stalkers quickly and easily disarmed him and taught him a good lesson.

The second day, the second stallker found somewhere dried and preserved bloodsucker's head, stuck his owh head into it, dressed off bare naked and, roaring like a mad, ran into the 100 Bar. Most of the stalkers jumped out from doors and windows, but a few remaining veterans and a Duty squad pulled off the bloodsucker's head from him, and taught him a good lesson.

The third day, the third stalker entered the 100 Rads bar in his old and worn suit, and with an almost broken AKSU on his shoulder. He ordered a drink, took a sip and started caughing...

"A... arg... a... cough... cou... aarg... uuh. Damned syphilis."

[Iron_Daemon]

I think I can see what happens next! :P

[ahilej]

Sidorovich have found some rookie stalker, and gave him an offer.
"Listen, sonny, I was given a new suit from the Kiev Research Institute. They wanted me to test it. It is claimed that it protects fully from radiation, 100%. But I am an old man. Sitting a whole day here. Why don't you take it, test it for several days, and then come and tell me. I can give you a discount on this one, let's say, at half a price."
The rookie took the suit and went out.
Several days have passed.
One morning, the rookie enters the Sidorovich's bunker, angry as an snork, and throws the suit on the table in front of the trader. Sidorovich looks at him suprissed.
"So?! What is it now?"
"I don't want this crap."
"But why? Is it protecting?"
"Yes, you can bet it is."
"Completely?! 100%"
"Yes, 100%."
"So what then?"
"The whole Zone is fighting radiation disease vith vodka, only me, poor fool, it is fourth day as I am sober."

[ahilej]

Duty and Freedom are fighting at the Army Warehouses.
Rifles and shotguns blazing from everywhere.
One can hear, loud and clear, the Freedom fighters shouting: "Freedom fighters! Stand up! Attack!"
Near an old Duty veteran, a newbie in his shiny suit, out-of-the-box Abakan, and with a face in the dirt.
"Is it time to retreat yet? Are they coming?"
"No." Says the veteran calmly and fires a couple of shots from his rusty RPK.
Freedomers quickly throws themselves on the ground.
After a few moments of silence, again, from the Freedom side, shouting: "Freedom fighters! Stand up! Attack!"
"Now, shall we retreat? They will kill us all?!" Cries the newbie.
"No." Says the veteran calmly and fires a couple of shots from his rusty RPK.
Freedomers quickly throws themselves on the ground.
After a longer silence, the leader of the Freedom squad stands up, all covered with dust and mud.
"So, what is it now, you bastards, was it your turn to retreat now or not?"
The veteran pulls out the feeding belt from his rusty RPK, and says calmly to the newbie.
"Now, it is time to retreat."