Re: Is My Dad Insane?
 

Even though it may seem so, the effect would actually be contraproductive. I know your intentions are good, but the results will be bad if you stay in that kind of relationship. The reasons being that we're all shaped by our environment (I know out of personal experiences from my extended family). Thus, if your children would grow up feeling the animosity between you and your wife, they'd become hateful people, shaped by the hate in their environment.

It's actually better in that case to leave your wife while still keeping contact with your children. I have several friends whose parents have divorced and still maintain healthy relations with both of their parents.

Re: Is My Dad Insane?
 

Hey, be thankful, atleast your dad tried to buy you back, mine never even bothered to try after he left my mother for some trollop in Cardiff. Back to the point though, I STRONGLY disagree with those who call your hatred of your father inexplicable, or say he didn't do anything to you.

Wrong buckos, when my dad left, yes he hurt my mother but he deprived a 3 year old girl (my sister) and a 12 year old boy who needed a fathers guidance more than ever (the whole puberty thing etc etc) of a father. All this about "he didn't leave you, he left your mother" is just crap, pure crap.

However, give it time. My feelings for my father have gone from hatred, anger and pain, to dissapointment and pity. He is the one who screwed his only chance for happiness right round the u-bend and back. He didn't screw MY life up, despite the way he hurt me and my family, he screwed HIS life up.

If you look at it that way with your father, with dissapointment and pity, then you become the man, and him the boy. The only thing stopping me from talking to my father is the fact I basically don't know him any more. I am a very different person to the boy I was when he left. We have nothing in common, and its been too long really. I hope to somehow sort things before its too late but, I can't see how. Its like someone telling me to sit down and talk about how i feel with a complete stranger.

However, you talk to your father fairly regularly. Its not like he is totally out of your life. Don't lose that. He may have buggered things up but don't let his stupidity and insensitivity cause YOU regret in later years, when its too late to change things.

I'm not saying be best buddies or anything, but if despite all else you can say that you don't nessessarily forgive him for his actions, but your willing to put it in the past and move on, then you are the better person.

Your situation and my own sound very similar. I was always a dissapointment to both parents. Always thought it was just how I was until my wife and my mother in law explained to me that I had high functioning aspergers bordering on autism, that my parents and grandparents knew about but never told me. Basically though, don't focus on your fathers criticism. Personally the way I delt with it from both sides was I considered what they had done in their lives. My father criticised me when I didn't instantly learn a skill (flying a model aeroplane for one) and the reason for that is his own frustration at his own limitations. My mother criticised me all through schooling, and I was never doing well enough, not because of my grades (I got to Uni and she never even finished college) but precisely because she is taking out her frustration of not succeeding on me.

A sort of strange mix of love, jealousy and fear. Loving you enough to care, jealous that you can do things they wish they could/wish they had done, and fearful that you would make the same mistakes they did.

Parents eh? Still, it will all sort itself out. Teenage years are meant to be turbulent, its to prepare us for dealing with lifes little troubles. It gets easier really, not because the situations don't arise, but because you get better prepared to deal with them.

As for the anti-divorce rhetoric, well, I am Catholic, and personally I see fellow Catholics in totally craptastic marriages that are a sham of the word. My argument against divorce is that people jump for the panic button too early in some cases, my parents case in point. They let their tempers get the better of them and they argue and say things they regret, then do things they regret, then their pride stops them from going back, and then its too late.

In my opinion, all divorces are avoidable, either through councelling to solve problems before they get so severe it breaks.,or by knowing your potential spose well enough to know marriage is a BAD idea before you do it. No-one wakes up one day and becomes a bad husband or wife. It s a thing that is either there from the beginng and will fester, or something that slowly grows and needs to be weeded out early through communication.

Re: Is My Dad Insane?
 

Regarding Nederbörd's entire post:

I had said in my next post "if staying together harms the children in some way, then they should break apart completely."

Exactly. He left me when I was seven, and he left my half-brother and half-sister when they were five and three respectively (I think. I can never remember their ages).

There are so many things I want to ask him, but I can't. I feel there's this river between us and the bridge burnt down. So, even though there are things I want or need to know, I can't. Hell, he never even bothered to tell me about sex. I've learnt everything I know from school (gets half of it wrong), the internet (unreliable) and friends (embarrassing) etc etc etc.

Hell, if I wasn't trying to grow a beard I'd be in trouble because he never even showed me how to shave. I'm probably going to slit my throat when I first try.

I think I went the other way through the scale.

They never told you? How did you feel about that? I was told instantly when it was discovered that I had mild dyslexia, Aspergers (the all-play-no-work variety) and ADD.

My father does the same thing, but my mother tends to be very good at not critisising, though I sometimes think that she feels disappointed in me.

I stand corrected. I've heard that argument before, but never from a Catholic. Congratulations. You're the first that didn't spout propaganda at me. I agree that some people do divorce too quickly, but most don't. The ones I hate are the people who marry and then divorce just to get their husband/wife's money.

Exactly. I wouldn't go into any marriage unless I thought it could work.

Re: Is My Dad Insane?
 

You could always contact him again, chances are he would be glad you did. If he wasn't, well, he is an even bigger idiot than one could expect, but at least you tried.

That is perfectly normal, most people don't even want to talk about that with their parents.

Are you pulling our legs? My dad never told me anything about shaving, maybe because he has a beard, but the process wasn't exactly difficult to figure out...
Now there is even a wiki entry on shaving.

Re: Is My Dad Insane?
 

Ah, my apologies. I must have missed it.

Heh, I've always shaved with the same little electronic device I use to cut my hair (don't know what it's called), works well and because it isn't sharp it doesn't cut. ^^

Hmm... strange, I've never heard of an "all-play-and-no-work" variety. As far as I know, Asperger's usually lack in certain areas while very gifted in one (or maybe two) field(s), seemingly that seems to fit well with those Asperger's I know (we got a several of them here)... I myself have Asperger's.

That I think you could use to your advantage. Take that which you are best at or most interested in and concentrate on developing that to it's fullest extent, in that way you can use your autism to your advantage.

I second that (or third it?).

Re: Is My Dad Insane?
 

Well, I went through what most would term a typical cycle of anger, denial, blame, self-blame, attempts to change, and finally just living with it.

I was incredibly upset with my family about it, as I had suffered because of it all through my schooling and had I been told and something been done (and had the Teachers been told so they didn't think I was just another ignorant git who didn't want to learn) then life could have been alot rosier for me at the time. As I have said though, it was a learning experience and I am better for it. Also, the discovery proved that my wife is someone who truely, deeply cares for me on a level I never really deemed possible.

Everything has a reason, and usually a plus side. For example, even your father leaving helped you. It helped you to ultimately galvanise your ideas of marriage, what it is to be a good husband and father, and it helped you become you. Very few people can honestly say they hate who they are at the moment they say it. True, years down the line we can go "Wow, I was an idiot back then" but no-one chooses to be someone they hate. If they feel they are not someone they like, they change.

Therefore, in a weird sort of way, your father did the greatest thing he could for you. If he really was such an utter failure (as mine was, long story) then the best thing he could have done is leave and let you discover life in your own way, rather than by his skewed guidance.

To get back to the autism subject, well, all people who have it have a unique way of looking at things. Whatever the problem at hand, we see a solution that no other person may do, yet on the downside we may miss the very obvious. Its not a disadvantage really, as it means when we have ideas, people are generally surprised that no-one has come up with that idea before, as its suddenly very obvious to them, and yet they missed it when we did not.

My particular strongpoint though is absorbing information that interests me, and a particular strength in puzzle solving and strategy. As my late stepfather once said, I analyse things to death. I'm not particularly flexible in my plans, but i'm determined, and I always think of as many alternative possibilities as possible before commiting myself to anything. Makes me slow to act, but decisive :)

However, I struggle with understanding certain emotions and I am to social interaction what the motor vehicle was to the ozone layer ;) A more anti-social, reclusive, generally bizaare individual you'll not likely meet. Combine that with my old-fashioned upbringing (courtesy of my grandparents) and my taste for Edwardian fashion, and you get someone that is generally avoided by all! Just toooo weird for the clones that make up most of our generation I guess.

As Nederbord said, find your strength and use it. Most great inventors, scientists, artists and more or less anyone whos got anywhere in life had some degree of autism, as without it they wouldn't have had the passion or dogged determination to take their ideas, their inventions, their theories or whatever to their conclusion.

and Huffardo, it was probably an exagguration to show how little his father taught him. I do it a lot, part of my humour.

Re: Is My Dad Insane?
 

Neither do I, but it's something that they're supposed to teach.

*headdesk* Who wastes time doing that?

The way it was described to be was that there were two main versions (all-work-and-no-play and all-play-and-no-work) and various subversions of those.

I've been writing fanfiction for about a year and a half now. It's become a favourite hobby of mine and I've constantly improving.

*shudders* Don't even get me started on my teachers.

Good. That's what a spouse is supposed to be like. I'm presuming that she knew your parents hadn't told you when she told you.

Well, the main reason I feel the way I do about marriage is because my father never married my mother or the other woman. So every time I've been called a bastard by someone, it hurts because it's true. I won't put any children I have through that. My father doesn't understand what "a bit of paper and a ring" really mean. But I think that, even if the religious aspect has almost gone in this age, marriage is still important.

I tend to be the opposite. I do analyse things heavily most of the time, but I tend to act before I think. Something that's gotten me into a lot of trouble sometimes.

Not totally.

Re: Is My Dad Insane?
 

No offense, but that sounds lika a pile of bullshit to me. Asperger's isn't exactly as easily definable as for example... cerebral paresis, where there are clear symptoms, thus those two explanations hold no ground whatsoever. Having Asperger's doesn't mean we have less chances or oppurtunites like any other human, it just comes differently. I myself play a great lot, but I also do a lot of studying... mostly concerning languages, which I have found out to be my strength. So aside from studying Spanish, French and German at school I also do some daily self-studying on Chinese.

As there is nothing to define Asperger's so clearly, the same would go for you. Ultimately, being a sentient human, your limits are defined by your ambition and willpower. If you have the will to do something, you'll be able to.

Yeah, I noticed that. ^^ I went and checked your profile on fanfictions.net and it didn't look bad. But see, maybe that's what you might be made for, writing. Seeing as it's one of your main interests you could easily use that interest to your advantage to further develop your writing ability. Who know, someday in the future I might sit in a bus stop reading one of your books.

Btw, about fanfictions, I'm currently writing one of my own. Although not for Harry Potter I still thought that maybe I could ask you for help and hints on how to make my work better, as well as to avoid my character becoming a Mary Sue. =p
How about it?

I really do agree with you on marriage still holding importance, to me it does. While not religious (actually I'm Agnostic), my opinion on marriage is that it is a promise of commitment to your partner, that the moment you agree to it you agree to hold on to each other no matter what and solve your conflicts like civilized people instead of throwing in the towel and calling for divorce first thing in the morning. To me, there are just too many divorces in todays society.

Re: Is My Dad Insane?
 

Well, that was the way it was described to me and I never bothered checking. To be honest, I don't care. I am who I am.

*drink sprays through nose* WHAT? No! Just NO! I haven't been to FF.net for months. Regardless of my signature, my fics are plagued with Mary Sues. I'm rewriting all of my stories to get rid of them. Anything on FF.net is probably still infested though. I'm rewriting fifty (large) chapters of one fic and the rewrite is even larger than the original. For example, the original prologue was three pages. The new prologue is twenty pages and it doesn't even cover the amount of time that the original one did. But, trust me, my profile on FF.net is something I won't dare to touch for a while.

It depends if I'm familiar with the fandom, because Mary Sues classifications differ between them. But I should be able to help. Your typing seems good so I could probably beta read your fics too if I have time (I don't tend to bother if it looks as though the beta reading will take a month of a single paragraph which is surprisingly common).

That's not believing in God or aliens, isn't it? To be honest, I think people who believe that Earth is the only planet with sentient life on are pretty arrogant. No offence, but its a statistical impossibilty. There's this equation somewhere that says that, in our galaxy alone, there are likely 10,000 sentient species.

If all you're after is the honeymoon, what's the point of spending all your cash on the marriage? Get a prostitute. =p

One thing I don't agree with is the wedding itself. It used to be a simple affair, just a celebration of a couple's love. But now, everyone is desperate to outdo each other. For instance, weddings at the bottom of the ocean or a thousand feet in the air (it's happened). I just want a simple thing with family and friends.

Re: Is My Dad Insane?
 

all i have to say is just go with wat u have dude hey if there advice is no good then just deal with it urself or maybe take there advice umm maybe tryto talk to your dad all i have to say threr really nothing i or they can give u (when i say them or they i mean anyone woh helpd post in this topic) all i or them can give u is this from wat i see is dat every thing all advice has been told i dont see anything esle possible that we could put in talk to your dad or watever dats all i got to say sryy if i was no help