Originally Posted by Steakboy's Deli Coner MSN Myspace

Being the left-brained person that I am, I tend to favor my logical, cold, scientific side of my brain instead of using my emotional side. I typically don't have much use for anything less than blantant emotional states that I can "put on" rather easily. Feelings of passion such as rage or hate are easily displayed, as they're closer to the surface, but the more gradation of an emotional state, the less compitantly I can display it. This usually doesn't present me with a problem as I get into relatively few situations in which displaying my emotional state is advantageous, and am able to use my logical, analytical, knowledgable side to analyze myself and apply it to other people. Yesterday however, it presented a situation to me that I would have rather gone without.

I was working with Candace and she became rather ill. She was telling me about it and I told her I hoped she got to feeling better. At that moment, I could hear myself speaking, not in a general, audio sense mind you, but it was as if it wasn't really me speaking at all! It sounded, felt, and actually was incredibly automated; it sounded overly prerehersed, something that I have often accused my mother of (Amy if you figure out how to read this not a word to mom about any of this, she really dislikes it when I bring that up). I couldn't display my sympathy (or concern as the case ended up being later) with any sign of convincingness, even though they weren't fabricated emotions. I spoke to her a few more times with the same result. I started to get exceedingly frustrated with myself and she started getting more ill, as she went in the back and just hung her head down and was feeling quite cruddy. The only emotions I could feel radiating off of myself that were apparant were frustration and even fury at myself for being incapable of showing how I felt, and a deep seeded anger at the other servers for being rude and unsympathetic for her condition as they started to get rather upset with her (I don't think thye like her very much for some reason). At 17 I should think that something more than my primal, passionate feelings would be able to bleed through to the surface to a degree of authenticity, but I just can't understand how that can be done. Learning to feel at 17 years of age . . . it just makes me feel like a sociopath, I know I'm capable of feeling, so why can't I show it? I've often been yelled at (in good humor mind you) for not smiling when I'm feeling fine, I have people who shout at me for being cold and unfeeling, while others simply think I'm not feeling well. For all my knowledge and all my mental strength, to be beaten by this simple feeling is infuriating, and yet, I have no way to fight back. There is no emotional counter attack to be made . . . .

Crossfade's "Cold" is playing on my music at this moment, the irony of its application, while somewhat intoxicating, is less than ammussing to me . . . .

Originally Posted by Steakboy

I have somewhat of an emotional problem, I was hoping someone might have some suggestions as to how to fix. Though I know it isn't an easily solved problem, no matter now simplistic the obvious alternative to my current state may be.

I'm too drained at the moment to try and re-explain it, so I'll copy my entry I made earlier

I'm so used to emotional detachment, I'm not sure how to reintegrate them into my life. Anyone have any advice?