How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

i have a bit of a situation. let me give you some background:

my housemate, 'Trevor' (not his real name) has been living with me since August last year. he moved in after he split with his Girlfriend of 5 and a half years 'Lucy' (not her real name).

now, things were going great for him eventually. he was over her, had started to see other people and seemed to be enjoying his life again. things for Trevor seemed to be going great.

Lucy, on the otherhand, had taken a turn for the worst and had started whoring herself around the town essentially fucking anything that moved. this is quite disturbing as all the time she was with Trevor she hardly ever had sex with him (in the last years of the relationship). she blamed it, intially, on an event that happened in the past which i won't go into, but later confessed to me that she was sickened by the sight of Trevor.

now, about three weeks ago Trevor and Lucy met on a night out and they ended up going back to her house (where he used to live) and shagging all night long. this happened again a week later.

Trevor told me that he was very confused, that maybe this was a sign that they could get back together. he said she reminded him of the girl he fell in love with nearly six years ago. she responded that she was with another guy 'Noddy' (not his real name) and that Trevor wasn't the one she wanted.

i also heard that she was desperate for a child and that she was tricking Noddy be pretending to keep taking the contraceptive pill when she was actually throwing it away each day. this, i feel, is a despicable act and it has changed utterly my opinion of my once good friend.

a point to note here is that Trevor, due to a health problem in his past, cannot have children.

Trevor is with Lucy right now. he sent me a message:


i tried to call him straight after but he ignored my call. i then got a further message about an hour later:


how the fuck do i stop this guy from making a big mistake and getting involved with a total bitch like Lucy?

1) she's on the rebound from a previous relationship

2) she has been screwing around with different people

3) she wants a child that Trevor cannot give her

i can see only disaster looming on the horizon from this turn of events and i don't like the taste it is leaving in my mouth. they split up every goddam 18 months when they were together and i feel it will happen again.

Trevor doesn't have much to call his own for some his age (30s - not being specific). his home is my house. Lucy, on the otherhand, is a few years younger than me and has her own house which is worth significantly more than what she paid for it and would be quite well off if she soild it. Trevor needs, in my opinion, to get his own shit in order otherwise, he will fall back in with her and leave himself with nothing and a number of years older to boot.

help me. thanks.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

This me minds me of a song called

Hate Myself in the Morning

Have you voiced your opinion of this to him?

and show him this link:
http://forums.filefront.com/showthre...76#post1885576

Find a was to get him away from her, does she know he cant have kids?

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

Tell him to wait, not to rush into another relationship with again her, tell him that shes on the rebound without actually using those words.

It's likely that he like her are just rushing to it again, which will likely have the same out come, again.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

I would just discuss it with him and try and get him to see sence. He will probably take it the wrong way but, if he hasnt seen it then, well, from experience, love is blind. He's going to walk into it if he's really determined. The best you can do is to be there for him when he does fall down and try and help him not too.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

You can tell your friend over and over again, but he's gonna do what he wants.
I have seen this situation before and if you push to much, you might lose him as a friend.
He needs to continue to meet other people and get his mind off this woman (if possible)
Is he in love with her or just happy to be with a woman period?
All you can do is remind him that she broke his heart before and will do it again, and he will have to go through all that getting over perioid again.Remind him he can do better.
He either is going to have to ride it out again and see what happens, break it off now or maybe accept a friends with benefits relationship with this one. She doesn't sound like stable material.

Tough situation for you either way, I wish you luck on this one.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

this is my problem. i have been there for him through all of this. through the good and the bad. the issue he will have is that when they spilt up again and she kicks him out again it might be years down the road. where will i be by that time? living with someone, starting a family? i won't be able to help him like this again. if he gets back with her is is on his own as far as i am concerned.

all i want is for him to be happy, but i have to consider myself in this also. on one hand if they got back together i would get my full house back, which is nice. ;) but when they split up again will he come knocking on my door. more to the point, will i or my live in girlfriend answer it? my future is clouded but i am getting very serious about my current squeeze and i can see things going further than they are now. maybe this would mean mioving in together in the future, who knows? shit, i'm waffling. i just know he'll be hurt again and i fear that when it happens i won't be there to pick up the pieces.
i think i'll need it!

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

Sounds like you are a great friend to have AzH, he should be so lucky.
I wish the best for him. Love stinks!

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

AzH, i think you should tell your friend how you see the situation from your standpoint.(without saying she has been whoring herself out ;))
from the outside looking in, things can look so much different than being in the middle of it all.. trust me on this one, ive been in the middle too many damn times.

ive always felt, if you see a person digging their grave, you might want to tell them, even though it may hurt your relationship with them, it is better you at least *try* and get them to see whats going on.

"i also heard that she was desperate for a child and that she was tricking Noddy be pretending to keep taking the contraceptive pill when she was actually throwing it away each day" - this may not be true, but you should really tell him...if true, he has no idea.

best of luck AzH!

hugs n snuggles..

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

Well, if the circumstances are as you say, Trevor cannot get her pregnant. That is pretty much the only positive. But that does not mean he cant get an STD from anything that Lucy has gon around spreading her legs for.

Tell him that he needs to stop going for the quick fix and think about the long term issues here. Tell him that he isnt safe from harm just because he cant have children, and tell him that Lucy is playing him.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

Alan, I would strongly advise that you tell Trevor to take three steps back and evlauate the situation that he is in before he makes a mistake that could screw him (and perhaps Lucy) for the rest of his life. Instead of being concerned with unfortunate events that took place in the past (and this applies moreso to Lucy), they both need to consider the situation as it is right now to avoid making it worse. Trevor needs to get himself under complete control, ignore his emotional urges and stay away from her until he can pull his life together.

At the same time, you both should do your best to convince Lucy of the grave danger that she is putting herself in in whoring herself out to everybody around town.

Good luck with that, take everybody's advice and hope for the best. :cya:

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

This is a difficult situation. And I think no matter what you do there is a risk that you will do the wrong thing.

Maybe you are right and Lucy will dump him again, maybe you are wrong and everything will work out fine.
If you warn him now with just telling him what you think about Lucy there is a chance that he might avoid some damage from being dumped again. If you warn him and everything works out fine he will eventually forgive you, but he will never forget that you gave him a wrong advice in a difficult situation.
If you don't warn him and she will dump him again then you will have the feeling that you failed as a friend and your friend will get the highest possible damage out of it.
If you don't warn him and everything will work out fine you will just be left with the feeling that you never really spoke your mind to your friend.
Just consider those results and look what pair of results is less bad for you and/or your friend.

I was in a similar situation once, my sister warned me about a girl. I ignored her of course and it turned out that I was right. But I don't hate her for it, I understand that she had only my best in mind. On the other hand I won't forget that she didn't trust in my judgement. But as I am happy with my girlfriend I don't really care about those problems anymore.

So my advice for you is tell him what you think. Not as bluntly as you told us (he will probably try to beat you for that) but still tell him what is on your mind. He will ignore what you say BUT he will at least subconsciously be a bit more careful.

Good luck!

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

I do believe that is the case here, unfortunately.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

I agree, many relationships end for a reason, and after being broken up for over 5 years, belive me, this "get together" is just a big bs treatment. However, if you have the same presence and poise that you have on GF then they will listen. Although the truth might break your friendship, it is worth it. They will thank you for saving their life later on. The fact that she is having this whoring-herself-out phase and getting with another guy shows that she is not only an untrustworthy person but also quite possibly a slut in the first place. You rfriend is better off without her, he hopefully will get his own place, etc. But if they get back together all hell could come loose and you might be changing his baby's diapers.http://forums.filefront.com/images/smilies/eekx.gif

So just be direct about it, and good luck.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

:nodding: Agreed. Honesty is the best policy in this situation.
This mistake could shape the rest of his life and yours if he keeps living with you through out it all. He might not accept the truth but that's his decision. All you can really do here is level with him and tell him straight what he's up against.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

I made the mistake of reuniting with a previous girlfirend about 2 months ago. It ended 2 weeks later. The truth hurts, but people told me that we werent compatible. After all, we did break up once before. Honesty is the best solution for this situation.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

dude i think yo should becarful when you go to their house it seems kinda dirty

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

When it comes to relationships, people hear what they want to hear, and no amount of warning, cautioning, pleading or threatening will do any good. How many of us can tell about a friend who is in a relationship, or is getting married and EVERYONE knows that it is doomed. And no matter how many people try to warn them, it falls on deaf ears.

Your friend does not seem to care that she has been whoring around, is not concerned about sleeping with everyone SHE has been sleeping with, or does not believe that she has been behaving in that fashion. OR, it is worth it to him to take the risk in trade for the attention he is getting right now.

This is one of those times when it really sucks to watch someone make a major mistake. And the worst part of it is, you really can't say "I told you so" when it goes the way you KNEW it was going to, without looking like a dick.

An unenviable position to be in, for sure. All you can do is speak your mind and let nature take its course.

Should you want to chat off line, you know where to find me. Any time.

Ig

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

^^^
i had no idea there was a Nacho on the forums.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

I gotta go with FileTrekker on this one. My experience says this is exactly how it will go down.

A friend recently hooked up with his high school sweetheart and they moved in together. Everyone including me tried to tell him she was using him but he denied all tehir claims and even suggested that tehy were jealous because he was finally happy.

Well in the end he paid off her bills, bought her a car, and she dumped his ass cold, moved in with his "good" friend and let him know she was shagging the next door neighbor and his "good friend" the whole time they were together.

Now he sees how stupid he was and undertands he was being used...but a year ago it would have been a barroom brawl if you tried to tell him the truth.

All you can do is be there when the time comes. If he is truely your friend I suspect you will be there for him no matter what and no matter if your married or not. But whether your future wife will let him camp out on the couch for months is a different story.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

I'd have to go with FileTrekker on this one as well. Some people hear what they want to hear and if you tell them what they need to hear but don't want to hear, then their problem often becomes yours. But I agree, think of how to tell the truth to him. In my experience, this 'relationship' with this girl which has been paved in disaster is not going to be any different than before - she will kick him out most likely. It's hard to say what will really happen, but that is probably what will happen. And then it is your problem once again. From my experience, love sucks over everything else, as love is blind. Love is something that is supposed to be great but just causes more destruction than good most of the time. Hey, they may stay together for a while, but not for that long if at all. From the sounds of it, they aren't meant for each other. He has been screwed over many times by this one person - when that happened to me once, I never spoke to the girl again - and I avoided her - I wasn't about to be dragged into that bullshit again. But in this case, if he is determined, he will still pursue this 'Lucy' girl and their relationship. If I were you AzH, I'd consider thinking of what to say to your friend 'Trevor'. If you have been friends for a while, then maybe you can predict how he would react to some ways of telling him the truth. Choose the one that is going to be the least angering to him but also choose something to say that is going to make him consider the truth.

The situation here is:
1) You need to tell him the truth, but tell it to him in a way that doesn't get him too angry to you. You may not be able to avoid him getting a little argumental about it.
2) The truth of the matter is that this girl gets around with a lot of guys - I've known those types. The other truth of the matter is that she wants to have children yet it seems she doesn't want to commit to JUST one man. Pretty crappy situation there.
3) 'Trevor' can't 'knock her up' so that's definitely the only positive thing, yet since she has slept around a lot, she may be carrying more than her own ideas about this relationship (stds, a hurtful relationship, etc).
4) If he doesn't have a job he needs to find one and become independent. And if he does have a job, he's going to still have to get to thinking about the future - the only one that maybe able to help him there is you - but he will have to be convinced to help himself for once and not see the easy way out of things.

That's pretty much the situation, perhaps there's more to say on that, but I can't think of anything else. All I can say is hang in there - life is rough and in situations like that, life is even rougher. You'll get through it. You of course will have to look to your own needs. Keep that in mind whilst trying to help your friend. And good luck!

PS: If I didn't mention this before: Love Sucks!

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

Im almost wondering if Azh should get involved at all. The best you can do is give advice. Beyond that, its his choice. Just realize you may loose a friendship for doing whats right. He wont think its right but hes not looking long term.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

The only way I see this ever working is if you talk to Trevor. If Lucy want's a kid, but Trevor cannot give one, then it aint gunna work is it? Sit him down, talk to him, make him see sense.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

Being the best friend in a situation like this is always the hardest position of all. You have a more or less complete overview of the situation and don't want your friend to run into the knife.

Azh, or Alan, the only advice I can give is: tell him the cold, hard truth.

Tell him that you're telling him as his friend, and that you're not trying to keep him from being happy. Ask him whether he's forgotten the pain and misery he went through the last time.
Of course, you run the risk of pushing him away with that decision, but that's how I would handle such a situation....but that's just me. I tell my friends my honest opinion on their problems, even if it's not what they want to hear.

Just be sure to tell him you're his friend and you're telling him as his friend.

Good luck.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

:agreed:

But dont spin any positives. Lay it out exactly as it is. Dont be nice about it, dont be constructive. He has to know how bad this is...

Keep us informed. :cya:

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

AzH, my friend, you should stay away from that because you can loos your friend.He is inn love in here.He will not listen tou you.Believe me, I had almost the same situation couple of years ago and just like you, I've tryed to help my friend and I loost him.I will not bother you with my story right now but you should trust me on this one because I know what I'm talking about.
I know that is very difucult to let thing go. I know you like him, I know you care for him but you should listen to me.
Stay away and be there when he need you.
This relationship between Trevor and Lucy will not last more then 2 - 3 months( this is my opinion about their relatioship)

BTW good luck if you decide to do othewise

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

that is a tough situation to be in. I have never been in a situation like that so i dont know exactly what to tell you. You should give him some advise but dont be forceful. If he does decide to go back with her then just be there to help her get over her again.

good luck and i hope everything goes well

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

Show him this thread.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

Si...

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

That might work.

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

Try to sit down with him an talk to him. ( Unless you already did.)

Re: How do I prevent my friend from making a BIG mistake?
 

Difficult decision... if a woman wants a child there's no way you can stop her and if you yourself can't or won't have a child then there is no way in hell she will ever take you, no matter how close she is. Two friends of mine both in their 40s are undergoing similar situations - one can't or doesn't want to have children, the other does. Although not as extreme as our friend Lucy here, their relationships are both very rocky and I suspect the end for both of them.

You may want to point out to him that Lucy is desperate for something he can never give her and that staying together will create an emotional trauma between both of them, not in the short term but in the long term. Even if he doesn't care about himself, if you point out that she'll suffer emotionally as well then he may reconsider.


If he refuses to listen to your advice and pleas (heh as if you'd plea :P) then you've done your duty as a friend... you can't push too much and sour your relationship with a good friend over something which has nothing to do with you...