Need some advice...

[Lord Wiener]

Hi guys,

my situation is the following: There's this guy I know, we used to be pretty good friends until he started pissing off everbody he knows. He is a total japan freak. He worships japan. Says the religion is better, society is better and generally japan is the next best thing to heaven. Funny really, because about two and a half years back he was a total nazi.

He is planning to go to japan next year for 6 months to "work" there. Now he has had japanese lessons for about a year but can still not read japanese, let alone speak more than a couple of phrases.

His father died about two years ago in an accident, and since he is short of money, he's planning to use his inheritance for the trip. We've tried to tell him japan is one of the most expensive countries in the world, and that he will not find work there, but he basically told us we knew nothing about japan, everythings cool over there, bla bla bla.....

He's not too good in school either. He has already redone a year and if he fails another he's got serious problems. He barely scraped through last year and this year is the final year of the South African school system. Sadly, if he doesn't pull his act together he's going to fail. We've tried to tell him to concentrate on his schoolwork and to get a decent qualification. I don't think he realizes that if he doesn't make this year he's going nowhere.

It's obvious he's running into a knife, and although he has pissed me off so severely that I haven't spoken a word to him in the holidays, I still think of it as my duty as a friend to try to convince him not to go. So here's my question:

How can I convince him that going to japan will ultimately ruin his life?

It will, because he will use up what little money he has within a month, if not sooner. I can guarantee that he wouldn't last 6 months, heck, he wouldn't last 6 weeks.

Any advice is welcome. Thanks.

Lord Wiener

[Dreadnought[DK]]

Sit down and talk to him. Let him tell you all the wonderful reasons he has to go, and when he is done, you tell him all what you have told us. It is also important that you make him realise that he cannot speak Japaneese. If you have to,get a note or something from his teacher supporting you. It might help a little. Even though it is said that you learn a language best by living in the country, it doesn't help if you cannot speak the the language just a little bit in the first place. If he cannot even read the language, he cannot learn it.

[Kuja]

Honeslty i dont think someone in that situation can really be helped with talking and soft action. The problem is that he need to snap out of it. It seem obvious to me that after the death of his father he enclosed himself in something and it probably was anime. Since it was what helped him to get throught some tuff time he probably think that whoever made that has all the solution which would probably explain his him almost turning in a fantatic about japanese stuff. I really think what he need is a well placed kick in the ass so he can understand that he is fucking up his life. Of course the *kick* is more of a figure of speech then an actual action. He need to understand that no matter where he go, what he do or what he think. Life will never be easy and it will always hurt. I dunno how it would work in that situation as i dont know your friend or anything about you for that matter. But i had a few friend i stoped from doing stupid shit from suicide to more simplistic stuff. What im gonna say might sound very weird but it always seem to work! The key is in almost every situation is to *destroy the person* What i mean by that is to for them to become very unstabble emotionaly. In most case they will end up in tears. When you reach that point that the person is in tear you take a softer and try to find what is wrong. If he is a friend he will tell you what's wrong even if they before they didnt want to say it, they didnt even think about the problem before or sometime the ppl wont even really know they had a problem untill they spill it out without even really knowing it. After you know the problem you will be able to help him moving on with whatever the problem is.

Remember, this might have worked at about a 95% rate of success when i used that technique but i dont know much about what is going on. Maybe there is something better to do. But if what i said is helping well good

The human brain is a very strange machine... It work in stupid and facinating ways

[Lord Wiener]

Unfortunately my friend is the sort of person who hears only what he wants to hear. But to break him would ultimately and utterly destroy him. He'd be off worse than he is right now. Believe you me, I know many ways how I could break him, and they aren't nice...

I can't break him, at least not now. He's got to get through this year. As I said it is extremely crucial that he makes it and if I broke him, he wouldn't make it. Definitely.

Originally Posted by Kuja

Honeslty i dont think someone in that situation can really be helped with talking and soft action. The problem is that he need to snap out of it.[...] I really think what he need is a well placed kick in the ass so he can understand that he is fucking up his life.

And thats exactly what I'm trying to do. And as much as I'd hate doing this, I'd need to use my "position of power". You see, back when his father died, he could invite two friends to the funeral. One of them was me, surprisingly as I didn't know him that well back then. But I was one of the two who helped him through that experience.
My leverage shows whenever I really get angry with him. Now, one thing about me and my friends is that we diss each other constantly just for fun. But sometimes this friend takes it to the point of being annoying. But when I become really pissed off he immediately backs away and apologizes.
As I said, I'd hate using that leverage.

Originally Posted by kuja

What i mean by that is to for them to become very unstabble emotionaly

Problem: he is already emotionally unstable. He doesn't really have an own opinion and throws himself to others' feet to "be in the trend". For instance, there was a phase where I listened to Rammstein a lot. What does he do? He buys hinself three Rammstein cds. Then came a Metallica phase. What does he do? Goes and buys the Metallica S&M DVD, which was quite expensive. And with his japan craze he's got one girl who likes animé and japan, but isn't half as crazy as him.

In conclusion: Kuja, it is a very interesting approach, but for the moment it is too radical. Thanks though, and I will try it as a last approach, but for now I think I'll stick to Dreadnought's method of a long talk.

Cheers

[Kuja]

Hum, the way i see it he aint emotionaly unstable and thats what you need. Right now he seem to be more mentally unstable. For him hearing only what he want it is something normal you cannot just talk to him about something and expect him to listen. I know most ppl wouldnt as it seem in most case ppl feel that kind of help as pity and they hate it so they dont care. If you use what i said dont try to reason with him just break him. It migth be raw and seem bad but sometime it's the best way. Just like a sand castle. Sometime when a sand castle is broken it is much easier to destroy it and rebuilt it completly instead of trying to fix it and ending up doing nothing else then causing more damage.

[NiteStryker]

While I do not share a fasination with Japan (dont get started with 'raciest junk' ,my grandfather fought them in the Pacific Theater in 1944), I think you need to talk with him, and ask why he wants to go, the real reasons. Then, tell him why you dont think he should go, but tell him those reasons are because you are looking out for him. Ultimatly, its his choice, you can only do so much, but do what you can...

[Mr. Matt]

Meh. I know how you feel, on a smaller level. I'm always telling people what will happen if they do a certain thing. They never listen. And anyone who's thinking logically can see it. But they're always shocked when I'm right. Unfortunately, no amount of trying to persuade them seems to work. It's as if they brainwash themselves into believing something, only to realise their mistake after it happens.
I personally would just leave him to it. He's annoying people. He's not listening to reason. Chances are, if you try and 'break' him like someone here suggested, you'd do nothing more than drive him away by making him feel like everyone's against him. It's a harsh but true fact that short of being tied up, people will not stop making their mistake till it becomes a mistake, if they're not thinking logically. Besides, you never know, if he does manage to get a job, he might make it work.
If the chances are that he won't, it's not the end of the world. There are ways of redoing school. Sounds to me like he would need to anyway. Might knock him back on track, not having a far-fetched daydream to distract him.

As you won't do this, here's another idea. Get some evidence. Don't just tell him all the reasons he shouldn't go. Show him. Get some facts and figures, testimonials from other people who've been there, housing and living costs, anything you can to prove your point. Become a lawyer for a day - prosecute Japan as hard as you can.
He'll have to arrange a place to live and stuff before he gets there, unless he's really lost it and has just planned to turn up with all his possessions in a rag on a stick. Chances are, the price of that alone will kick him up the rear and make him reconsider.

[Kuja]

Breaking someone doesnt mean making them think everyone is against them. Trying to break someone by using hate would only make the person close himself/herself even more. Why some ppl think breaking someone has anything to do with hate ?

The way i see it letting him go would be a bad idea as he suck in jap and he is willing to spend basicly most of his money going there. So he would end up stuck there or something. Facts wont get to someone like this as they beleive what they are doing will solve everything. They beleive that when they will get there everything will work on it's own without need of effort.

[Mr. Matt]

...and when he is stuck there, his good friend Wiener will help him get back. Won't you, Wiener?

Your idea of 'breaking them' is apparently to 'destroy them', and make them 'emotionally unstable'. As he is seemingly without logic anyway, and searching for an easier, more enjoyable, way of living, making him emotionally unstable will guarentee him leaving.

[Darkness Knight 15]

Maybe you should let him go and once he relizes (sp?) his mistake, pay for plane tickets or something or drive out to Japan to pick him up (if you can from where you live) to bring him back home where he belongs.

Note: DON'T TRY THIS IF YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY FOR A PLANE TICKET OR FOR SOME FORM OF TRANSPORTATION OR IF YOU DON'T HAVE A CAR TO GO AND PICK HIM UP YOURSELF!!!

BTW, I very much understand if you hate my idea. It was just a suggestion. Good luck with your friend.