I think it's time I say my goodbyes to you fine people. I've been dealing with some issues for the majority of my life now; issues that I seem to think disappear every few months when I start to feel good. They always come crashing down hard on me though. This time, harder than usual. I've had more suicidal thoughts in the past day than I've probably had throughout my entire life.
I've tried everything to be happy and at peace, well, almost everything. The thought of suicide calms me, it makes me feel as if all of this agony and misery can just be gone. The quality of my life has fallen to the level where death is most desirable. I don't know what to do now.
I don't have the willpower to keep on going through the days. It's like I'm climbing a hill but someone just keeps adding more layers every time I reach a certain milestone.
I was listening to a song earlier, one part of the lyrics went "agony is your triumph". I was reminded of myself. Every time I've done something good or have had something good happen to me, it always ends in misery, which outweighs the good tenfold. I recently met someone, they made me what I think was the closest I've come to happiness since before I can remember. That event eventually lead to my current predicament - seriously considering suicide.
I also thought coming to terms with my sexuality and telling someone I was bisexual would help. Needless to say, it didn't. It made me feel worse, like I'd given up yet another part of myself in the pursuit for some peace of mind.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not really attention-whoring (I'll be gone anyway), I'm just letting you people know why I won't be around any longer.
It's been a fun couple of years!
~Schofield, or Dan if you prefer.
This post is probably full of absurdly controversial stuff, try not to take it too seriously.
I have joked about you in the past, but just know that I do have great respect for you. I am saddened by this news, and I do hope that these thoughts subside. I sincerely hope that you manage to find your way through this calamity in which you find yourself.
Should this be our final goodbye:
Poehali, Tovarich. Fare thee well.
^ Not to be mean, Graeme, but I think this lad'd be happy to do so... Regarding your second sentence/line... :/
First of all, thanks a lot for recommending me one of the best FPS games I've played so far.
Second... Well, we talk a lot normally, and I'm pleased to say here, in front of all who I consider my friends that you, Dan, are one of the few people I have in my care-list (Yay, care-fucking-bears) along with a few others (Mostly from this forum ).
Though we've had differences and some troubles sometimes, I do respect you a lot and at some points even look up at you, something which I hardly do.
And as it's been stated before, you are depressed and yeah, many of us know exactly how that feels. Not saying anyone has been through better or worse times than you... One should not compare suffering, for the suffering of each man is his and each man will deal with it a different way and it'll be different hard on each one.
To the point: It does sound cliché and naive to say "there is still hope, you don't have to do it", but it is true. I look back in the time where I had it bad and I only regret many decisions I didn't make and I consider myself a good-doing lad now. Not saying the same will happen to you... You might aswell keep walking and finding an even rockier road than the one you're walking now... Or you might just find a cliff, which is what I see now.
No matter what you do, Dan, you're a good soldier, a strong one. My brother said once that life is only for the strong and though ones... And it is true. But after all... What does that strength win? It is mainly suffering, yes... But there might be moments of joy, and the important, I think (personally) is to cherish those moments... Though it might seem impossible, and enjoying those moments usually will bring more pain at some point, but every road has an end, my friend, and when it ends and what it ends with is up to each and one of us.
I have no idea if I made myself clear... If it's tl;dr and you decide to bring yourself o'er to the end of the road... fuck you and I'll miss your sorry ass... gae fagt... ai lauv u
So, life is going poor, you're feeling like shit, so you figure there is nothing else to do except to end your own life? That's one hell of a permanent solution, though it's only a solution to you (though in hindsight, you wont know it's a solution cause you'd be dead). I'm curious, but what about everyone else?
You have family, and I'm sure you have friends (however limited those might be). I don't suppose they matter at all? They are the ones, afterwards, that are going to be picking up the pieces. You mention two things in your posts that I feel need addressing (three things if you include suicide), one would be your bisexuality; you stated you thought it would make you feel better once you'd told people, but it didn't. I am curious, but who exactly did you come out too?
The other thing that you mentioned was that you met someone, though you didn't really elaborate on that so I can only make two conclusions. #1: This person was romantically involved with you, and the relationship has since ended, resulting in you being lovestruck. This is common after a relationship break up, though most people get over it instead of ending themselves. #2: The person in question was another suicidal individual who has managed (apparently) to talk you round.
Now, if the former is the case, the feeling wont last forever. Three of my main friends have all gone through breakups; two of which it hit hard, one (ironically) did send suicide notes to the girl claiming he couldn't live without her. Another friend was just an emotional wreck for a while. I'm not going to lie to you, it took them a while to get over it; the relationships in question for the two individuals were their first serious ones, so they were obviously going to have the bigger result. Think one friend took about 3-6 months, the other 6-9. In the end though (and as of now) they're both sane and getting on with life.
If the latter, then that's one friend you don't want to be spending your time around.
There is help out there if you're willing to go and get it. To not do so is simply lazy, irresponsible and (in regards to those you'd leave behind) down right selfish. You've got everything to live for. There are people out there with arms and legs missing, some of which weren't even born with them. You've got people that are disfigured, have medical issues, physical issues and a whole bunch of other crap that they've got to deal with on a daily basis, and you don't see them quitting out on the world.
My advice to you is to pull yourself together. Get your issues sorted out and make something of yourself. Quit with the excuses, get someone to kick you up the backside if it's going to help, just save someone finding you with a rope around your neck hanging from the ceiling.
Call 911, or one of the suicide hot-lines. Get help.
There are people with anti-depressants and the like who might be able to help you be happier. At the very least it's worth checking out. If it doesn't pan out, you can always kill yourself later - though I hope you decide not to. But if you kill yourself now, maybe you'll have cheated yourself out of a chance of being happy.
Shit. I really hope things pick up for you. Just, if it's getting that bad - don't try and go this alone. Get someone on the other end of the phone, even if all you end up doing is talking for a few hours.
"Slippery slopes can be fun - kind of like a water slide."
- Larry, Burn Notice
The best serving of video game culture, since 2001. Whether you're looking for news, reviews, walkthroughs, or the biggest collection of PC gaming files on the planet, Game Front has you covered. We also make no illusions about gaming: it's supposed to be fun. Browse gaming galleries, humor lists, and honest, short-form reporting. Game on!