put on your funny jokes.
 

i got a couple good ones


Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"


not my favorite but heres a better one.


Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit."


best for last.


One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

I have kind of a sick one too.

A man sits at a table in a resturant. a waitor comes up and asks him if he would like something.

the man orders soup. so the waitor brings out soup for this man. The man says thanks and as he reaches for the napkins he drops his spoon on the floor.

the waitor pulls a spoon out of his front shirt pocket and gives it to the man. The man says why do you carry a spoon in your pockett?

the waitor says so when someone drops a spoon, i dont have to go back to the kitchen and get one. i have one in my pocket.

the man says okay and eats his supper. the waitor comes back and gets the mans check and everything, the man sees that the waitor has a string hanging out of his zipper.

the man askes the waitor why he has that he says so when i go to the bathroom i dont need to touch my penis to get it out, i just have to pull the string.

The man says how then do you get it back in your pants. the waitor says.

Well i dont know how the other guys do it, but i use the spoon.

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

:lol: Those are great.

I had heard the last one before, but its still funny. My favorite is probably the middle one.
Here's some of mine:
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A: Women don't take 3 1/2'' floppies.
-------
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

:lol:
that one was funny. i like the woman one too.

i got a blonde one.

whats the difference between a 747 and a blonde?
not everyone has been on a 747.

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

:lol:

Heres one for the computer geeks.

One day I was in a public park, reading "C++ For Dummies" when someone came up and asked me what I was reading. I told him I was reading a book about C++. He responded, "Oh, HTML kicks C++'s @$$."

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

A friend posted this on another forum.

:rolleyes:
Why men die first is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but now we know:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist; if you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there's never any time for her; if you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation; if you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism; if she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment; if you keep quiet its male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp; if you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist; if she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination; if she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert; if you don't, you're gay. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist; if you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain; if you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something; if you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself; if you aren't you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired; if you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

Men die first because they want to

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

:rofl:

That was a good one.

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

:lol: that one is so funny! :lol:

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

this actually happened to me on Friday (one thing you need to understand is that the people in my class put "Your mom" in front of anything...its a class joke)

My Friend: "Awww shit... the research paper... I haven't started that yet!"
Me: "It's not due for another 20 days"
Another Friend: "Your mom's due in 20 days!"

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

LOL so true...

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

That one is so funny! ! ! !!

looool

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

hahah. those jokes... one day my friend kept saying them. drove me nuts.

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

Your mom drove me nuts.

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

how did i know some person would go there............................................. ..........

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

Of course you knew, Im here, dont doubt my power.

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

this guy talks his buddy into going with him to visit his grandmother on his birthday. so they're sitting on he couch talking and the buddy, not so interested in the conversation, notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. so he asks if he may eat some, grandmother says to have as many as he would like. after some time theyre ready to leave, the friends tells the grandmother thank you for the peanuts. she replied with 'youre welcome, now that i have my new dentures all i can do is suck the chocolate off of them.'

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

Ugh, thats a gross and funny joke. I can only think of 2 jokes right now...Blonde Ones

What's a blonde's favorite swim style?
The "breast"stroke

(My gym teach kept saying this one) Two blondes get into an argument over which is closer, Florida, or the Moon. One says:
It has to be the moon!
While the other says:
No way, its obviously Florida!
Another blonde walks in, and asks what they are arguing about. After hearing it, she says.
That's easy! Can you see Florida?

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

yay! Blonde jokes!

50 blondes and 1 brunette are hanging off of a cliff, on a rope only meant to hold 50 people. knowing that one of them must die, or they all will, they are sad. all of the blondes look to the brunette to jump off, since she's out of place. but, the brunette gets an idea and says, "All right, I'll do it".... and what did the blondes do? they applauded...

i once knew a blonde who tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order

what's a blonde with pig tails? a ride with handles...

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

Who's in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge, "said the brain, "Because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
over, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge, " said the stomach," because I process food and
give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever
it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see
where it goes."

"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible
headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery
and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the
boss.

The Moral of the story is "The ass is usually in charge."

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

Car Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.
http://forums.filefront.com/images/s..._FireDevil.gif

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

A blonde, brunette, and a red head all fall off of a cliff... who dies last?

the blonde... she had to stop and ask for directions

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

Two friends are hunting animals in the forest when suddenly other one falls to the ground and stops moving. His friend calls 911 and says: "Hello. I think my friend is dead! The 911 lady says: "Make sure his really dead". "Ok" answers the man. Then the 911 lady hears a gunshot and the man asks: "Then what?".

That one was officially voted as the best joke in the world on some website couple of years ago.


Two guys are walking in the forest. Suddenly a big bear appears in front of them. Other one of the guys takes sneakers out of his backpack and puts them on. His friend says:
- Fool! The bear runs faster than you. It will still catch you.
- It doesnt matter as long as i run faster than you.

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

"Guns dont kill people, husbans that come home early do" :D

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.


The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."

The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?" The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

:barf: ugh... i didnt need to know that... but it was good though ;)

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

leave it to wiener.........







How are women and hurricanes the same???

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

Why do we drive on a parkway, but park on a driveway?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

dammit, i had a lot more of those, but i forgot all of them :(

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

My all-time favourite short jokes. Some don't find them funny, others find them repulsive. I just couldn't stop laughing when I first heard them, and I'm not sure why. I'm sick in the head, I guess. NB: The Jackson one was originally about some British celebrity accused of 'kiddy fiddling', but seeing as most people here probably won't remember/have heard of him (I think it was Gary Glitter?), I've modernised it. Yeah, it's tasteless, but meh. Also, you may not understand it if the product in question isn't available in your country/didn't use the same advertising slogan.

Why does Michael Jackson love Dairylea?
Because kids'll do anything for Dairylea...

What could possibly be worse than finding ten babies in a dustbin?
Finding one baby in ten dustbins...

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

Ok, so a young child, about 7 or so, comes home from school, sets his backpack on the table, and begins his math homework. His mother is sitting in the other room reading a magazine and she's thinking to herself, "Wow, what a good boy he is doing his math homework when he gets home." She continues reading until she hears: One plus one the son of a b*tch is two, two plus two the son of a b*tch is four, three plus three the son of a b*tch is six. He started on four when his mother burst in and shouted, "What are you doing!?!?!" The boy replies, "I'm just doing my math homework the way the teacher taught us how."

The next day the mother walks into school after dropping the kid off and demands that the teacher explain herself for teaching her son to say: One plus one the son of a b*tch two. The teacher bursts out laughing, while the mother is still puzzled and asks what is so funny because this is not a humorous topic in her eyes. The teacher responds, "I told them, one plus one the sum of which is two."

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.
"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.

The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........

"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said,
"I got a choo-choo!"

The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said,
"I got an electric train!!"

That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book"
The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"

The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,

"Winnie The Sh*t!!"

And my favorite joke of all time:

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

1. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

2. Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

1. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

2. Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

3. Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

4. Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

5. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

6. Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

7. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

What do you do after you have raped a 10 year old, deaf, dumb girl???
Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum.

Has anyone else noticed this???
Princess Diana

Died
In
A
Nasty
Accident

--Lame--
Why did the orange stop rolling?
Ran out of juice

Why couldn't the baby walk through the door?
Had a javelin through it's head

Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a piece of cheese

Why did the stoner stop in the middle of the road?
Forgot which way he came from

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasaurus (mega-sore-ass)

What do you call alesbian dinosaur?
Likalottapus (lick-alot-a-pus)

There are only 10 people in the world...those that understand binary and those that don't.

--Lame--

I'll post some better jokes later....if i can find better ones

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

I've heard another form of that... There are three types of people in this world. Those who make things happen, those who want things to happen, and those who wonder what the f*ck happened.

5 out of 4 (5/4) people don't understand fractions.

There are three types of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can't.