Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

A blonde, brunette, and a red head all fall off of a cliff... who dies last?

the blonde... she had to stop and ask for directions

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

Two friends are hunting animals in the forest when suddenly other one falls to the ground and stops moving. His friend calls 911 and says: "Hello. I think my friend is dead! The 911 lady says: "Make sure his really dead". "Ok" answers the man. Then the 911 lady hears a gunshot and the man asks: "Then what?".

That one was officially voted as the best joke in the world on some website couple of years ago.


Two guys are walking in the forest. Suddenly a big bear appears in front of them. Other one of the guys takes sneakers out of his backpack and puts them on. His friend says:
- Fool! The bear runs faster than you. It will still catch you.
- It doesnt matter as long as i run faster than you.

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

"Guns dont kill people, husbans that come home early do" :D

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.


The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."

The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?" The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

:barf: ugh... i didnt need to know that... but it was good though ;)

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

leave it to wiener.........







How are women and hurricanes the same???

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

Why do we drive on a parkway, but park on a driveway?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

dammit, i had a lot more of those, but i forgot all of them :(

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

My all-time favourite short jokes. Some don't find them funny, others find them repulsive. I just couldn't stop laughing when I first heard them, and I'm not sure why. I'm sick in the head, I guess. NB: The Jackson one was originally about some British celebrity accused of 'kiddy fiddling', but seeing as most people here probably won't remember/have heard of him (I think it was Gary Glitter?), I've modernised it. Yeah, it's tasteless, but meh. Also, you may not understand it if the product in question isn't available in your country/didn't use the same advertising slogan.

Why does Michael Jackson love Dairylea?
Because kids'll do anything for Dairylea...

What could possibly be worse than finding ten babies in a dustbin?
Finding one baby in ten dustbins...

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

Ok, so a young child, about 7 or so, comes home from school, sets his backpack on the table, and begins his math homework. His mother is sitting in the other room reading a magazine and she's thinking to herself, "Wow, what a good boy he is doing his math homework when he gets home." She continues reading until she hears: One plus one the son of a b*tch is two, two plus two the son of a b*tch is four, three plus three the son of a b*tch is six. He started on four when his mother burst in and shouted, "What are you doing!?!?!" The boy replies, "I'm just doing my math homework the way the teacher taught us how."

The next day the mother walks into school after dropping the kid off and demands that the teacher explain herself for teaching her son to say: One plus one the son of a b*tch two. The teacher bursts out laughing, while the mother is still puzzled and asks what is so funny because this is not a humorous topic in her eyes. The teacher responds, "I told them, one plus one the sum of which is two."

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.
"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.

The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........

"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said,
"I got a choo-choo!"

The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said,
"I got an electric train!!"

That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book"
The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"

The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,

"Winnie The Sh*t!!"

And my favorite joke of all time:

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

1. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

2. Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

1. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

2. Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

3. Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

4. Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and
contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

5. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

6. Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

7. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Re: put on your funny jokes.
 

What do you do after you have raped a 10 year old, deaf, dumb girl???
Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum.

Has anyone else noticed this???
Princess Diana

Died
In
A
Nasty
Accident

--Lame--
Why did the orange stop rolling?
Ran out of juice

Why couldn't the baby walk through the door?
Had a javelin through it's head

Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a piece of cheese

Why did the stoner stop in the middle of the road?
Forgot which way he came from

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasaurus (mega-sore-ass)

What do you call alesbian dinosaur?
Likalottapus (lick-alot-a-pus)

There are only 10 people in the world...those that understand binary and those that don't.

--Lame--

I'll post some better jokes later....if i can find better ones